In 39.91 years of life, I cannot count how many versions of myself I’ve inhabited. At least one version a year, probably multiple versions depending on my environment. I believed that my identity was fluid. That I was meant to totally transform myself for each environment or relationship that I inhabited. In hindsight, it’s like I’ve been in drag for most of my life. Putting on a show. Then 2020 happened and all of a sudden my environment became microscopically small - it was just me. And I learned that I had no idea who I was if I wasn’t wholly adopting the environment around me. Pick a person in my life, in my social media following, or in my professional network and I had a pretty clear idea of who I was selling myself to be. But in an apartment quarantined for 4 months, I was a stranger.
This stranger, that’s me, more often than not was modifying presentation, language, and actions to mimic my environment with the goal of blending in while collecting data to gain power in that environment. It worked for a long time. I rose to the top tier of all of my environments, using each one as a stepping stone to the next one in the system presented to me. Not realizing till it was too late that not only was this system not built for me, I was exchanging pieces of myself building a persona that was unsustainable. Each time I failed I would blame myself, like I had caused the system to break. I didn’t do enough to “embody” what was required to succeed. I was attempting to wear the patriarchy like I was the one exception that it would work for.
I am not an exception. I am one of an uncountable number of people surviving in this system. But this isn’t a story about victimhood. This is a story about failure. I am a failure at maintaining other people’s perceptions of me. I am a failure at maintaining the image of a balanced, happy, has their shit together, straight, successful, almost 40, American woman. I’m a failure at telling the truth, living authentically, and choosing what works for me. All of this failure has revealed that it turns out failure is my superpower.
Through all this failure the data nerd in me was still paying attention. If you know a 2022-2023 version of me, you know my mantra of “everything is information” and “information has no morality”. Gathering all the information ultimately proved that I am not obligated to nor am I interested in maintaining any of the versions that I have existed. The data revealed that the power I was seeking in my chameleon years was actually still at my fingertips and I held the key to unlocking unlimited power I just had to look in the mirror and tell the truth.
The truth is I have failed spectacularly in my life. I have hurt people I love because I struggle with expressing my emotions. I have stayed too long in environments because my ego believed that if I was “good enough” I could “fix” the problem. I have over-shared and under-delivered. I have had a messy relationship with food, and money, and substances. I have been the abuser in an abusive relationship with my body since I was 13 years old. I’ve said yes when I wanted to say no and the opposite just as many times.
To let all of that go and make space to actually heal from all of that failure I had to look inward. I had to honestly ask myself do you want to maintain all of this? I had to admit that I was the one allowing my failures to define who I am. I had to let go. I had to let go of all the versions of me that so many people have known and be who I am in the present.
As I move day by day closer to turning 40 I have landed on the clarity that I have no interest in maintaining anyone’s perception of me. I am only interested in my perception of myself. This is my reclamation. I will live each day as myself. The self that I know to be true and good.
I am interested in words with actions.
I am interested in learning from frustration, I’m interested in feeling satisfaction.
Some people have life mottos or mantras all of my data has led me to my life formula.
Radical Experiences + Aligned Living = JOY
[RE + AL = JOY]
This is my new life formula for actions, choices, and feelings. My self-reclamation project is all about embodying this formula with intention every single day of my life going forward.
I’ll be doing my best to live by example, you’re welcome to join me. <3